JM#10: He knew what I needed before I did
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Entry #10 • October 28th, 2025 The Beginning of BeGood job, Megan. I actually said that out loud about two minutes ago. I had just opened Just Me #1—the one that scared the snot out of me to actually send. I skipped straight to the “Eight-Week Greatest Hits” section and skimmed through those eight heavy things I’d referenced from the summer.
After reading them, I scrolled down through the rest of the email, saw the images, and almost instantly felt those feelings again. Then I reached the closing paragraph: “I’ve gotta sign off. My soul feels like it’s been turned inside out—not in a bad way, but in a completely raw, exposed way. And if I’m being honest…this first entry hasn’t quite gone the direction I thought it might have. Feeling a lot more vulnerable than I expected for the first entry.” And then I uttered, out loud, those words “Good job, Megan.” Man. That email was scary. The next one was too, though slightly less so. But by the third…it felt relieving to write and share. And since then, as I’ve moved through the following entries, it’s as though I’ve created my own little nook. My own place to…just…be. Woah. WOAH. Just be. In Just Me. Do you remember my word of the year? “Be.” I know, I know…kind of lame. But I knew the weight it would hold for me. For me, “be” meant to be in whatever I was doing in the moment. Sure, it sounds like “be present,” but it wasn’t quite that specific. I just needed to exist. Literally—just be. I wanted to focus on being authentic. Not masquerading behind assumed expectations. Just showing up as I am. Just…me. Just Me has given me that space to quite simply exist as myself. What a relief. What a release. In January, I had no idea how my word of the year (WOTY) would actually play out. That’s usually the way it goes. I pick a word, imagine all the ways it might shape my year, and then—every time—it ends up shaping me. Always in a good, uncomfortable, painful, fascinating way. This is my seventh year doing this practice. It started with my late business coach, Chris Oakley, who led a group of us business owners through it. Even after he passed away unexpectedly, we’ve kept it going. Choosing one word gives the year a theme—a touchpoint I return to again and again. It sounds weighty, and maybe it is, but it’s worth it. And honestly, I don’t overthink it. The word usually comes to me and just won’t let go. So I make it my WOTY…and then, I let the year unfold. The God Who Moves Through TimeI’ve shared before that most of the time, I pound out a Just Me entry in one sitting. But truth be told, last night I wrote the section above and then stopped. I thought I knew where I wanted to go next — I planned to tell you about my business group, my late coach, and my recent trip to Seattle — but I hit a bit of a mental block. I decided not to push through it. Maybe next week. Instead, I just spent the last 30 minutes rereading old journal entries from the very end of last year and the beginning of this one. They’re always so sobering to revisit. And honestly, the most fitting direction for this entry is to share some of those with you.
It’s fascinating to read them now, after everything that’s unfolded this year. Sobering, yes—but also comforting. Because God knows it all: the past, the present, the future. He’s not bound by time the way we are. And somehow—something I truly don’t think the human mind will ever grasp—He reaches through that barrier of time and speaks to us. He’s outside of time, yet He moves within it. He prepares us for what’s to come, even while we’re still living inside the boundaries of our own timeline. How? I have no idea. I can’t comprehend it. But I’m in awe of it. Just a heads up: these next entries are raw. But after ten Just Mes, I think I’ve plowed the ground well enough for myself that I’m not so scared to share the messy stuff anymore. Check these out: 12/22/24 I feel a lot of unnecessary anxiety right now. It’s kind of suffocating.
Things contributing to it: sales tax & IRS taxes (messed up by our accountant), heading into our slow season, needing to hire, friends’ personal issues/situations (specifically [name removed]), my kids growing up right before my eyes, continued poor choices/lack of planning by my [extended family members’ names removed], a recurring intrusive thought of me dying in an unexpected accident (I’m not scared to die), insecurity in the “security” of my friendships—wow, the list could go on.
I very much feel like I’m floating—in and out of body, inauthentic, apathetic, lying to myself and everyone for that matter.
I’m not sure where this all is stemming from. Actually… just writing that brings clarity. In my Enneagram 3 self—when I’m stressed, I become apathetic. Based on that long list of stressors, no wonder I feel out of body/apathetic/etc.
During high-stress times, it’s even more important that I slow down and just “be.” Process. Seek God.
Speaking of…I’m thinking my WOTY might be…“Be.” I’m feeling very led to just be. To be stayed in whatever I’m doing. Be present in the moment.
1/8/25 Hello 2025. How are you? Who are you? What do you hold?
I have this strong pull to really lean into the core value (of the store) “community.” I’m not sure what all that means, but I’m feeling like this year the store needs to define itself with its community.
I feel I need to let it “fly.” I have to stop clutching it so close like it’s mine. I need to see if its community can keep it afloat rather than all of it falling on me. It feels like how I felt with Ethan turning 18 last year.
What does it look like to let it do its thing? Can I let it go? Part of this process is looking at a different model of employment.
[…excerpt shortened…]
This year I’m feeling a pull to really lean into “authenticity.” I don’t like the buzzword, though. I’m really wanting to work on being present, being authentic, being true.
Not relying on my chameleon-ness so much. Not being fearful to let “them” see who I really am. How I really feel/think. Trusting that people—the right people—will be attracted to who I am.
This is very hard for me, because I don’t want to let people down. But what a waste of time to “try and not let a single person down”—what a lie. That’s not even reasonable to try to achieve, but here I am. Trying to do that.
So I really want to lean into the uncomfortableness of being me. Who God made me. The life experiences He’s allowed me to go through…the caves I’ve been put in so I can share with others.
The visiting [evangelist] just preached about that, and it was so good.
The potential WOTY that I keep coming back to is… “Be.” To just… be. That could be “be present,” or that could be “be me.”
Hmmm. Yeah. That keeps feeling like the word.
2/2/2025 [During my journaling session] this song started playing on my Spotify playlist…WOAH.
Running by Land of Color
I can hear you calling me
Come my child and sit down at my feet
You're so tired trying to be
Everything that everybody wants you to be, I know
So why am I running
From the one I need the most
I keep running
Going back to what I know
Why am I running
From the one I need the most
I keep running, running
…
I am scared to death if I'm honest
I am just a kid in my heart with a question
Do I belong
Cuz I wanna belong
Why am I running
From the one I need the most
I keep running
Going back to what I know
Wow. Is God this personal to everyone? He’s so close and tangible to me.
Becoming, AgainIt amazes me how He knew what I needed before I did—how this space would become a resting place for my soul. Thanks for letting me just be here in Just Me.
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